#Attempt at Humor

[thatguywhodoesstuff]

”I just… can’t die. I’m completely indestructible. Well, physically anyway.”

"So, what immortality do you have?" "What?" "Well everybody in this room has a type of immortality, I got hyper regeneration, the guy over the is a lich, the girl in leather can save and reload, and I am not bothered enough to keep talking so what is your immortality?"

[delicatedarknight]

Tim: so why should we select you?

Guy A: I'm rich and handsome

Dick: Bruce is literally a billionaire. are you saying you are more rich than him?

Jason: and handsome? Don't make me laugh you look worse than our family dog.

Guy A: ex-xcuse me??

Damian: you are excused. Now get out

Tim: and what about you?

Guy b: I can protect him

Damian: protect?? dad??

Dick: [scoffs] It's like saying you can protect Batman.

Guy b: but he ain't Batman though

Jason: bitch he might be

Damian: where did you even find these people Tim?

Jason: seriously? imagine saying u can protect Batman

Dick: nah bruh imagine flexing money and looks on Bruce

Tim: ok guys this is the last candidate for the day

Tim: so what makes you special?

Clark: I can cook for him

Jason:[snorts] What if you can cook for him? How can it help our Bruce?

Clark: I'm sorry I'm not as rich as him but I can cook, clean, and care for him

Dick: have you brought anything to claim your statement.

Clark:[places the pie] I brought this Kansas special apple pie-

Damian:[already on his second slice] ae-ets gsoo ghuuud

Jason, Tim, and Dick fighting for the last piece

Clark: uh..soo

Damian:[clears his throat] You are selected.

Dick: Definitely

Jason: prepare your vows

Tim: btw who recommended you? Because you have a really ordinary background

Clark: oh it was Bruce

[collective HUH from batkids]

Clark: [snickering] It was to get approved by you guys

[collective even louder HA]

Clark: [laughing] That's because we are already dating

[collectively yelling WHAT]

Clark: [changing into Superman] hate to leave like this on our first meet but Metropolis needs me

[collective screaming]

[whydousernamesevenexist]

Mid life crisis? Yeah, I'd have a crisis too if my life was mid

[thatguywhodoesstuff]

I Saw The New HB Short & I Had A Cursed Idea.

[pinopistol]

idk what to call this o.<

[astrinde]

Twilight x Interview with the Vampire.

[massivespacewren]

Last super quick scribble for the Winteriron Server Flash Bingo, this time for the prompt "oops". Big shout out to the server people for discussing ideas <3

[my--strange--world--sg]

I don't know why I imagine Jace coming back from Winterfell, normal, all happy and finding out about his brother's death and he would be like: "So... Isn't it a good time to say that I broke my wedding vows to Baela and I just fucked fucking Cregan Stark? And yes you were right mother, we did have a lot in common."

Baela's face says it all

S.G.

[flowers-in-your-basement]

sam is many things, runaway, almost-college-graduate,great at holding grudges, incestuously in love with his brother. And he's okay with most of that- although he still can't forgive dean for that for that time he used his favorite shirt to clean off monster slime. And well, he always wanted to go back to college. Yeah okay, enough ignorance of the large, incestuous elephant in the room. So, in love with his brother. How is that? "Gameshow contestant #1 how's the incest" it's a really stupid image and it makes him laugh an embarrassing amount.

The i-word used to scare him. Is that funny? probably. He used to lay awake at night telling himself that it couldn't be incest because that's gross and abnormal and he's not gross or abnormal.

Yeah, he used to be a delusional bitch. It was only after college that he finally got over himself and started calling a pipe a pipe. It's fine actually. It's not like he had a normal childhood. Besides it's not like dean feels the same. Right?

[mistress-of-vos]

r/Relationships DemonKing123

Estimated audience, I (immortal male) am dating a lovely young man (23). We are exquisitely infatuated with each other, and we shall marry next spring on my palace during a full moon as tradition dictates.

Nevertheless, it seems our families despise our engagement. While my fiancee and I hold no blood ties, he happens to be the adopted son of my youngest daughter's ex partner, who is also the biological father of my grandson. My fiancee and I do not care, and we don't agree with these complaints labeling us a home wreckers.

Yet I have found myself receiving false accusations coming from my very own children, who seem to not understand biology or psychology. My fiancee and I met at Paris winters ago, both of us in a moment where family was a bitter memory and we were looking forward to be our own people. It offends me when others dare to imply we fell in love to spite our families, as if we hadn't crushed into each other under the rain and suddenly realized what was missing in our lives.

This is, my estimated audience, why I come here to you and ask: "Is it incest to marry the adoptive child of your daughter's ex boyfriend?

Is it perhaps uncomfortable if my fiancee happens to be the biological son of said ex boyfriend's new wife (my grandson's stepmother?)?

And why would my fiancee and I be wrong, yet my grandson is considered adorable when declaring he will be the one to marry my fiancee?"

SizeQueenTwink F**k your boring family. Marry your fiancee!

CatholicAvenger I believe your family might feel that your relationship holds certain "incest" due to their very own relationships. However, as you said, there are no blood ties. People are just haters, my (ex) boss almost killed me when I dated his adoptive son.

AlienPrince Wait, how did you meet in Paris if he's the adoptive son of your ex son in law??? You never knew your grandson had a stepbrother/adoptive brother??? This sounds weird dude. How old are you??? 🧐

SizeQueenTwink Who caresssssss!!! Age is a social construct. I bet your fiancee is beautiful, intelligent & would adore a big silver diamond ring for the proposal ❣️

DemonHeir Well, maybe your grandson is worthier of your fiancee than you. Have you considered that, old man?

*This conversation has been frozen by an admin*

[delicatedarknight]

Bruce: what makes you good for my son?

Kon: what is there that I lack? I'm perfect for your son

Jason: I would say he lacks common sense

Dick[sighing]: describe why you love Tim?

Kon: he is a huge coffee addict, the Robin costume looks ugly but I guess those are the things that make him look hella attractive not to mention he has a great as-

Bruce, Damian, Jason & Dick [ready with their weapons on Kon's neck]: be careful how you finish that sentence

Kon[flying out of the window]: HE GOT A GREAT ASS

[An hour later]

Metropolis reporter: today's breaking news Batman and the Robins are chasing after Superboy while throwing profanities. Oh wait we see Red Hood let's ask him about the situation

Reporter: Red Hood what brings you all to the metropolis today?

Red Hood: oh it's just a family outing to promote tourism to Gotham not like we are trying to make Superboy disappear from the face of the earth and bury him somewhere. Now now where did our Superboy kid run off to now?

Reporter:

[In Kent house hold]

Kon: Dad...you know I love you soo much right?

Clark[sighing]: what did you do this time?

Kon: Dad you gotta protect me they are coming for me

Clark: they who?

Kon: the bat fa-

[Window breaking and batfam entering]

Kon[already using Clark as human shield]: they are here dad

Bruce: Clark stay out of this

Clark[confused]: what did he do for the whole bat family to chase after him

Damian: ask him yourself

Clark: so what did you do?

Kon[shyly grinning]: I complimented Tim's ass..

Clark: I mean I see where you are coming from..I mean Bruce also has a great ass..but that's not the point now.

Dick: guess it's time to end the whole Superman bloodline

Jason: deviation in the plan now it's both dad-son duo

Clark: Can I say something before I die?

Bruce[with kryptonite]: you may speak

Clark: Bruce I always wanted to tell you something, you look really beautiful, and last Thursday, you looked amazing in those black undies.

[Collective batfam screaming and fighting] 

[whydousernamesevenexist]

Fuck "gender transition", it should be "metamorph a cis"

[thatguywhodoesstuff]

NUzi Shenanigans

[coolbattlegirl]

Sato just wanted to carry egg Malleus for a little longer…

[wangxianficrecs]

Wei Wuxian, worst supervillain by antebunny

Wei Wuxian, worst supervillain

by antebunny (@antebunny)

G, 3k, Wangxian

Summary: Lan Wangji has never met a worse supervillain. He finds this rather remarkable considering that he has, during his tenure as Hanguang-jun, fought quite a large number of villains. Certainly some of them, like Wen Ruohan’s two successors, Wen Xu and Wen Chao, lacked style, as did Su She and Jin Zixun. But what they lacked in style, each and every one of them made up for in sheer villany. Even Wang Lingjiao didn’t hesitate to kick a puppy she saw on the street. The Yiling Patriarch, on the other hand. Well. Mojo's comments: Adorable. Excerpt: It’s on a stormy night that Lan Wangji finds the Yiling Patriarch leaning against the side of a building, deep in some alleyway, clutching his side with one hand. His breath comes out in erratic bursts, and his sopping wet hair runs down his face and his back like ink down a brush. His silver eyes are dull when he sees Lan Wangji land lightly on the paved ground, clear umbrella held above his head, moonlight filtering through the plastic. They barely register shock, or fear, or anything else. The Yiling Patriarch slowly pulls his hand away from his ribs, lets both of them hang by his side. Black liquid drips off his hands like ink onto paper. “Have you ever seen blood in the moonlight, Lan Wangji?” The Yiling Patriarch asks. “It appears…” He lifts his hands. Raindrops pelt his palms, rinsing away the dark liquid. “…Quite black.” Lan Wangji looks at him. The Yiling Patriarch tilts his head back, closes his eyes. He lets rain pelt his face as well, as if it could wash him away. “No one at the prison died,” he says. “There’s that, at least,” the Yiling Patriarch murmurs after a pause. 

pov lan wangji, modern setting, secret identities, superheroes/superpowers, fluff, attempt at humor, light angst, tooth-rotting fluff, crack treated seriously, superhero lan wangji, supervillain wei wuxian

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[pointpilot]

Untitled Labru Fic

synopsis: laios indulges kabru in his childhood country bumpkin lifestyle. laios is a freak AND kabru learns something about himself

word cont: 935

inspired by my post here

-

“Did you know you can eat these, Kabru?”

Securing his hands around the base of a branch and a leaf which it was tethered to, a rip was heard as he took the leaf into his delicate hand. 

“I supposed I didn’t.” Kabru replied, attentive eyes following the rich green leaf now in front of him. He noticed the fronds had a sort of peach fuzz to them as they caught themselves in the orangey-blue sky. “These are called Winauk leaves, they come from Winauk trees. I’d be careful with eating them all the time, though.” Laios aimlessly waved the leaf around.

“Why?” Kabru queeried, arms folded as he lay his back against this tree. Before looking up at Laios, he admired the open field they relaxed in, tall grass swaying whichever way in the wind while rays of heat gently tingled their skin. 

“Invasive beetles from the Eastern Archipelago are known to carry fungi that infest the leaves. If you eat this leaf with the fungi present, you could get a really bad disease.” 

Laios threw the leaf in his mouth. 

Dumbass!!! Then why would you eat it!?

Kabru screamed in his mind, he then started to say this aloud, but his words came out like this:

“Oh, is that safe to eat then?” He asked with a gentle smile of concern, pointing to Laios’ mouth as he obnoxiously chewed, the blond sitting himself next to him. “I’ve eaten these so much as a child that I can taste the difference. Want one? I’ll taste test it for you!” He gestured his hand towards the branches of the tree. “I promise they’re really good. Almost minty.”

Kabru had an ultimatum. Keep a friendly, albeit flirty relationship with Laios to continue to truly see how his crazy-ass ticked, or get a disease and die. Truly, he was interested in Laios’ history and how it shaped him into the person he is now. Which is why he went out into the vast rural lands of Melini with him to indulge in Laios’ former rural lifestyle. Kabru knew how much he missed his homeland, and used this as an apt opportunity to become closer to him, while also being curious as to what this entailed. 

“I’ll try a leaf.” Kabru forcefully beamed, splaying his palm out so a Winauk leaf could be placed in that empty space. Laios beamed back, rushing up to grab a leaf for Kabru. In all honesty it was quite adorable how excited Laios became introducing Kabru to his former lifestyle. Oh well, it is what it is. If he truly did get sick, Falin could work her magic. 

-----

The next day, Kabru surprisingly didn’t become severely ill and die. Today he walked beside Laios in one of Melini’s many produce fairs. This was the norm for any rural type of area anywhere, and Laios was just geeked to see it. 

Many farmers had their best produce up for sale, beautiful vegetables, fruits, and even monster foods such as basilisk eggs and mimic claws to name a few. Kabru clutched Laios’ flushed arm harder once he saw a sign indicating harpy eggs were for sale, though.  

As they continued to walk through the colorfully vibrant fair, Laios saw something in particular that piqued his interest. 

“Kabru, look! I’d love for you to try these!” Kabru curiously picked his head up from his melting exorcism sorbet, dripping onto his fingers. He opted to just get rid of it as he was getting tired of the sorbet, chucking it in the nearest trash bin. 

By the time he turned around to what Laios was pointing at, his face scrunched and contorted in a way he thought he never could. But only Laios could make him do that.

WILD ANTS AND CRICKETS

No.

Dear goodness no.

This was nowhere near treasure bugs. Monsters had a sort of magical feel to them, a feel that separated them from regular, everyday insects that didn’t feed off of mana, but fed off of the disgusting dung and sediment of the earth.

Kabru’s resolve broke.

“I’m sorry Laios, but—”

Laios had the most joyous expression on his face, placing an order for two small bags of (thankfully) dead crickets and ants. He held them in his hands and beamed towards Kabru. “Falin and I would go out and eat these all the time! Personally my favorite is cheddar crickets, but these’ll do.” 

And just like that, Kabru realized something.

Laios would probably never have an opportunity like this again. He chose Kabru to come with him not only because he cared, but because deep in his heart he knew Kabru was the only person that’d willingly indulge in his fun activities. 

Kabru also didn’t want Laios’ fond memories of them together to be fabricated all for the sake of studying him. 

He genuinely enjoyed Laios’ company, no matter how crazy he was. 

He enjoyed walking barefoot in the tall grass while being surrounded by Winauk trees, he enjoyed how Laios would take him to secret vibrant strawberry patches, and especially enjoyed playing with village dogs together, running with the dogs in wide, open fields.

He obviously despised eating potentially diseased leaves and right now, didn’t even want to look at an insect.

But in a world where resurrection is common, he could die over and over for Laios and deem each of those deaths worth it. It wasn’t like he hasn’t died numerous times already. The only difference now is that he’d die a million times with purpose.

“I’ll eat both.” Kabru gave Laios a closed eyed grin. 

Kabru threw up the insects five minutes later.